Well, hello! Is anyone still out there? :) I can't believe I haven't blogged since September! I may be the worst blogger on this planet, but I am determined to make that all change this year. 2010. So, let's start with 2009, you know, since you're missing quite a few months there. What HAVE I been doing? 2009 was quite a crazy year. My first complete year of being a full time photographer. Priscilla Baierlein Photography grew more than I ever imagined it would in such a short amount of time. I had so much business that I, honestly, could barely keep up with it, especially during the last 6 months. Some things (like blogging) became less important as just getting people their pictures with the standards I strive to live up to became priority number 1 (business wise that is :)). 2009 was about growing the business. 2010 will be about PERFECTING it. It made me realize that perhaps Priscilla Baierlein Photography needs a couple more pairs of hands. So, I'm so excited I will have my first intern starting in February.
Yes, 2009 brought tons of new clients that have been added to my love list, my friend list. I know, with out a doubt, that I have the best job for me. I am so very thankful and simply in love with it. FYI: I have a list of future blog topics, one being why I love my job, so I'll save that for it's own blog entry :)
As blessed as 2009 was, another reason I could barely keep up with things was the fact that so much happened. My first year of full time business was, well, interesting. This topic is one I've struggled with. Not knowing if I should talk about it on here or not. But it's a part of me. Not talking about it is simply, NOT me. I have always been a big believer that we are all in this crazy life together for a reason. We can help each other. The things we go through may help someone else realize they're not alone. I also know that the more people we have on our side, praying, the better off we are. Always. Okay...enough of my rambling. I probably have half of you scared that I'm dying. Luckily, nothing life threatening going on, so you can breathe now :)
I am often asked the questions "how many kids do you have?" "when are you going to have kids?" I think being a child and family photographer I may be asked these questions more than most. People see me with their children and assume I have my own. Of course, I take this as a compliment. I must be doing something right. I have just always loved kiddos. Before I ever knew I wanted to be a photographer, I knew I wanted to work with children. That has, for the longest time, been the driving factor. OR do something that would make a difference in children's lives (like my previous jobs). Of course, that also carries over into my personal life. For the longest time I knew I wanted to be a Mother. With my family story being so different, I knew that it would strengthen who I was as a Mother. That I would be able to give a child something I always yearned for (Of course, in that I would probably drive them crazy :)). I also have this AMAZING husband who has always wanted to be a Father and has so much love to give. After only a year of marriage, we decided that it was time. That we were ready to be parents. Although, thinking back, I'm pretty sure we weren't quite ready at that time. So much has changed since then. That was in 2006. We have heard every tip known to man. It is absolutely hilarious the stories people tell you when they find out you're trying. I only WISH I could share them on here. The thing is, when you decide you're ready to be parents, you never even think about the fact that it may just not be that easy for you. Of course, with me, I started panicking after only 6 months. I read everything I could online. Started making a line graph of my temperature every single morning. Was then misdiagnosed by my old OB/GYN with PCOS. Took horrible medicine that was absolutely unnecessary and some medicine that we now find out could've actually made things worse. We decided to take a break from everything and try the "don't worry about it" method everyone was raving about :) And we didn't. We just stopped thinking about it for a long time. I started doing photography and building the business. Our lives were consumed with owning a house, me basically working two full time jobs, Bret coaching and teaching and working on his masters. Once I started doing only photography full time, we decided it was time again. I made an appointment with an amazing fertility specialist. After going to a million different dr's through out my life who told me something about myself that was "different" was still okay, this dr. looked at that and immediately said something was wrong. Found out that I had a "baseball" on one of my ovaries and thought that must be it. So, I was happy. I knew that would be something that could've been the problem this entire time and could easily be fixed. I had a surgery soon after that changed everything. We found out that wasn't the "big" problem and that it was actually my tubes. My tubes that were 6 times the size of my uterus. My tubes that would never be normal and could only hurt our chances with IVF. Probably one of the saddest times in my entire life, that I felt absolutely terrible for Bret, was when I woke up from that surgery and he had to be the one to tell me. I get choked up every time I think about the look on his face or the first call I made and the silence I heard on the other end. At the time endometriosis was thought to be the cause of it. Apparently, a lot of times the worse endometriosis is, the less it hurts. Who would've thunk it? The dr suggested a more invasive surgery to remove the tubes so that we could then proceed with IVF. After taking a bit to think about it, we decided that was going to be the best move. We scheduled the surgery for mid December. Enough time for me to try and get most things with the business wrapped up and be recovering during my slow time of the year. Unfortunately I was also recovering DURING the holidays, but I have to admit, it was kind of nice having my family come to me :) So, surgery time. I'm starting to realize that any time I have a specific outcome set in my head, that's probably not going to be it. Poor Bret, immediately after I wake up from surgery I always ask "what did the dr say?" and he has to tell me. I have to see the look on his face. My ovaries had to be cut into in order to remove the tubes that were attached and my uterus was smaller than normal. Two things that have dropped our chances of success from 60% to approximately 20%. And it all stems back to my childhood. When I was 7, my appendix ruptured. There was so much damage and scar tissue that it destroyed my tubes. The tubes were so large that they pressed on my uterus and prevented it from growing the way it should.
I know you're probably thinking, "it could be worse". And I have to agree. I KNOW it could be so much worse. That many many people have it worse. If this is the hardest thing I ever have to go through, I am going to be one lucky lady. I KNOW God has a plan. We have been so focused on our plan, it's hard to remember that God has His own. Even though we want our plan so much, His plan is the one that matters and His plan is the one that's for the best. I have always been a big believer that everything happens for a reason. I have stood by this my entire life and have seen that this is true. It's another one of those things that I have been upset about. I have always been the one saying that and for a bit, I struggled with it. I was angry and I'm just not an angry person. With all the stuff I've been through, I've always looked back and said I know that happened for a reason. That's always given me my strength, knowing that it's what He wants. I think I'm starting to come back to that place. I have felt my emotions and let them be what they were. Focusing on that 20%. It's a chance. Besides, God's the one who determines this. He's got a plan. I have always felt like Bret and I were meant to be parents and I still feel like we are, in some capacity. Whether it be a biological child, carried by me, carried by someone else, or adopted. Or maybe God needs us for something else.
I honestly can't believe how much detail I've gone into. I really did not mean to, but it all just came out. I will probably read over this a million times before I post it. I've already read over it twice. Going back and forth whether to post or not. As cheesy as it may sound, it feels like I'm supposed to. So, if I'm not too chicken and post this, please don't crucify me for being too personal. If you've read through this entire thing, thank you for your patience and time :)
Okay...now for a little Myca and Macy picture up date :) Look how stinkin' adorable they are!!!! Macy is 6 months and a little chunker! Roll on top of healthy roll. I was beyond thrilled that they all came to visit me for Christmas. We blew up an air mattress in the middle of the living room and hung out there the entire time :) We are one of those crazy people who don't have cable in their guest room (what were we thinking!) and Myca has to have her cartoons, so living room is where she wanted to be. I loved it. We played the entire time. Of course, I couldn't stop taking pictures. I think Macy may have enjoyed it as much as Myca usually does. She seemed fascinated by the camera. All the while I'm being yelled at because I was moving around too much. I just couldn't help it! Who wouldn't want to take pictures of them!
I am officially back to the real world and am working on getting back to my million emails and the few sessions I have left from 2009. I WILL be blogging more and posting more pictures. So, get ready :)